10 October 2014

Tara's Last Moments + video

The last pictures...
As I've told before Tara passed away on September 18th 2014. I've taken some picture of here from just a few hours before so this helps me remember her to the last hours, and minutes in my memories. I've shared her whole life and life with me here. I've started this blog  for many reasons and Tara was my biggest motivation. I'm going to share with you her very last moments taken on camera with you on my blog and youtube. Also I'm going to tell you what happened and why so suddenly.

These are the last videos shots I've made of Tara.
She really is my model & movie star. She really tried to play a little 
and I didn't even really asked for it. Only wanted hoer to look up.

What happened
I've wrote a blogpost 11 days before this moment: Tara Troubles: 10 days sleeping on the couch for Tara Here I'll explain to you what happened 11 days ago. Short version she coughed up blood suddenly. After 10 days we would have to check her up again and they wanted to make an xray of her lungs just to be sure. On Wednesday we had an xray appointment. I've gone with her to help calm en relax her. I told Tara to go to sleep and that it was okay. (She was in a wooden weird thing on her back) She let go and laid her head into my hands and relaxed. I almost got emotional because this was such a heavy weird and scary moment for her and she 100% gave her trust to me, just beautiful.
There were some spots on her lungs. She said this either could be something from an old pneumonia or this is cancer spread out from somewhere else. This was a big shock but if we would look at Tara pff, she was so super duper healthy! Before this xray,, just like 5 minutes they all kept giving her compliments on how vital and healthy she looked for her age! that you wouldn't think she's 10, You would think she's 3. They had to take her blood so more test just to be sure. They wanted to take her right paw but after trying for 15 minutes no drop of blood would come out. So they took the left paws and there it was.
The next day we would hear the result. We stayed very positive.

When we got home from the vet Tara was super tired, like if you would leave her alone she would be in dreamland within a minute. Also I've posted a instagram picture with a cookie in front of her nose. normally she would wake up. What she's been through was really heavy on her so we would expect her to go to sleep and wakeup vitally the next morning, ready to go. Again not leaving her alone so I've slept again on the couch to be with her. 
The first thing next morning; my mom want to give her a little bit of food before walkies. Tara sniffs it and leaves it (never does that in her life!) walks back to me (sitting on the couch) she pushes head suddenly in my belly to get cuddled. I cuddly her and take her head with my 2 hands also holding and stroking her ears, I looks at her and give her a big kiss on her forehead (same time inhaling her scent) and tell her I love her. Next thing is she goes back to the kitchen and eats her food. This is something she never done before I only came to realize that 5 minutes after.

Then our special cleaning person came (mother has neck hernia) and we told her we are positive and it must be an old lung infection. Meantime Tara came back from her walkies, ate her breakfast and went to her green cushion and almost fell asleep again. After a short while the vet called. She told me that her blood came in clean and that is sadly was not what we hoped for. She told me she found the main tumor, which was on her spleen. She told me that Tara was not in pain, but because of fighting the tumor and all the small ones takes a lot of energy. I've told her that I understood and that I saw that Tara didn't recover from the previous day. Normally she would but it was just too much to recover from. She told me I could give Tara painkillers and check in 7 days if she would act more lively. First I was like yes do that and asked for more possible things to do.. I was in shock first so I just kept asking questions to help me think what to do. Then I stopped.
I've asked if Tara was alone and could tell you want she wants and needs that would it be. The vet told me that Tara is very sick and it would be healthy and good for Tara to let her go. then I remembered what the first vet said about if she would have tumors on her lungs and if she would cough, there was a chance one could collapse and if it was too close to a big artery she would bleed heavy and choke in her blood. "Yes horrible" The vet answered and said that did indeed is true and that the first time she coughed blood this already happened but with a small vain. I asked so to get things clear; Tara is very sick and is happy If I'll save her and also because there is this scary time ticking coughing danger... I'll tell talk about this with my family I'll call you back as soon as possible. 

So I sat with my Tara and cuddles with her. Then I said to my mom and sister I need to save her! I want to put her down for her. My mom and sis didn't even over think it and agreed. I always say Tara first then me. 11 days on the couch for Tara = Tara first then me! These 11 days I made sure that Tara wasn't alone for a second. Even went to scary "things" alone, to make sure Tara was not alone. = Tara first then me. So now with this choice again first Tara then me! I can never be selfish with an animal. You can see this as the choice when mother and child are in danger.. mother will save the child first. So I need to save my little girl, help her and let her rest.

I called the vet and said please help her today and let her rest. She would come around 2:30 PM. I didn't want her to suffer in tiredness and huge fight inside any longer.
I took my camera and told her one last time, and I took the pictures and video in this blogpost.

The moment I sat by her again she suddenly showed me her secret...
She really intensely showed me how extremely tired she was. Her eyes closed within 30 seconds. then she stood up to turn in her basket and she started coughing. Which she haven't done in 2 days. after a while she moved a little and again coughed deeply. every time she did that I hold my heart for her that she would be okay!! I was like why have you kept this from me so long, I could've helped you earlier and then I knew; because If I knew earlier we would have to be in fear fo so long. Now I know and I'm gonna help her right away. Only a few hours of fear and sadness. And her whole like with us with love & happiness. She's a smart girl and I'm surprised that because a dog loves you so much and wants to see you happy he/she really can keeps secrets. The vet told me this on the phone that she has seen it before. Also when Tara showed me her secret. (didn't wipe my tears with that hand) she started kissing my hand like that with that face. She really puts her mind into it. After she just started obsessively kissing us because our hands salty.

She sleeps here
This was in the time we were waiting for the vet to come. she was so tired and only slept. We sat by her constantly and didn't really wanted to wake her before the vet arrived. Around 2:10 PM the vet came and Tara woke (she's extremely scared of this vet) and she looked and listened to her and became a little bit more alert. We talked a bit and she told us our choices. Normally you would give a dog narcose and then the thing (dunno the name) what this does is it forces the dog to sleep but when a dog realizes this it kind tries to stay away and panics a little bit. She said but I don't want Tara to panic, no dog. but for Tara it's dangerous of her breathing. So best for her is to numb the skin a bit and put the thing in directly. this takes less than a minute, this could give a bit of a cold feeling so calm her but the moment she realizes something and would want to panic it's already over and she's at peace and it's painless. 
So "everything for Tara" and choose the last option. My sister sat by her belly and I by her head. On the picture; I sat next to her head and I held my arm in her basket under her head so she could rest it on my arm and feel lots of warmth and love. and I stroke her head. When the vet came set before her Tara even gave her a kiss which was super surprising and sweet! The vet did everything and it went indeed very fast. The moment she felt cold, we would cuddle her warmly and kiss her. Then she wanted to put her head up because she wondered what was going on and before she could finish that movement her head fell into my arms. (around 2:22 PM) Tara passed away.

12 days on the couch for Tara
Yes, I couldn't bare to leave her body alone at night. I've laid her in her basket (where she always was sleeping in) in the position when I would give her, her goodnight kiss and sleep during the night. I do have a picture of her from my couch point of view. I only see the basket and a tiny bit of her belly in the dark. This picture I'm not going to show, this is for me to remember I did slept 12 days with her and not just 11 :) Always and forever ;)

The next morning they taken her away and I think to remember Monday or Tuesday we got her back. This all went so fast. Tara was healthy.. suddenly she got cancer, in the next few hours she passed away. next morning taken away and then we got her again. It's kinda too fast for your mind to really process. Also with did help ourselves to clean her cushions again to make to give that process more logic. We still have things of her around the house. Like her food & drink bowl. Can't just do it away just yet.

Her memorial place.
I'll Take a picture of this.

Tara & me
Maybe she's not here anymore but she's really in my heart. bought a whole royal chamber in there with all the love she got in her life. I've said before that my "everything" was confused. I could not see her but still felt her like she was there. Now I know and I cannot cry for it; I do cry for I miss that my human senses (hearing, feeling, smelling, touching) are not satisfied, we miss Tara! all about TARA! But I do not cry for Tara is not gone. That's why I keep telling I feel okay and I'm okay where she is. I still feel warm, cozy and loved inside, the way hów warm, cozy and love I feel can only be given by my Tara. She's with me and therefore my heart is okay, because she's truly there. Also now I cry because I feel so much love overwhelming me and now I wish to hug her but I can't! I love you Tara!

This is the end.

I'll still leave the topic Tara open for me.
So I'll be still able to share something about Tara if I want to.
Her story is out there for the world and my future self to see it.